here goes nothing

So. It's 5:24am to be exact, and my long distance boyfriend of almost 14 months and I had planned to sleep oh just about 5 hours ago. Got into bed (via phone) nice and snug preparing to read (me, for once) but of course he'd be asleep within minutes, sometimes seconds; me left clueless as to how to send myself to sleep. Up until a month ago it would be: him reading to me (him - who I'll call Mr Evasive), me falling asleep within a page or two, me snoring (yes, I'm one of those.) then him gently speaking my name to check I'm asleep so he can begin to do the same. But recently, it's either neither of us, or me being forced to do so because I'm selfish. (yes, also one of those.)

I guess I should sum myself up in a line or two. I'm a tad neurotic - some describe this as paranoid, but neurotic entails so much more than paranoia and really just sounds a bit more clever. I wouldn't say clingy or possessive, I'd rather say.. loyal. I also wouldn't say controlling or selfish but on several occasions has my boyfriend told me so, thus making it probably true. The positives? Well let's see, I want to do a lot of things, though I'm a bit of a perfectionist, (see: neurotic) but that just means that when I DO do things, they are pretty much fantastic. Bit of an OCD for tidying/cleaning/germ - again, neurotic. I suppose that one word just sums it up a treat huh.

Now I'm left here pondering to myself not only why I'm writing, but wondering why it feels wonderfully delightful to let out some steam! I feel like I've earned it, y'know. All these suppressed feelings of anxiety and wondering where my relationship is heading blah blah... only to have these worries fade away at the sound of his delicious french accent. You'd think his accent would deteriorate over time but you'd be surprised, especially when he's angry and he's searching for the appropriate words to throw at me, just makes it all the more sexy. I admit sometimes it's hard to determine between changing subject and suggesting a quick phone-sex session! (again, one of those!)

Well anyway, tonight was different because I woke Mr. E up mid-sleep, only to tell him I was lonely and I'd been reading for half an hour and I needed to hear his voice. What did I get in return? "I'm tired, you don't care about me, only yourself" - though after this bout of selfishness - on his part, might I add - I hung up. I do this often now, nothing I do grabs his attention when I'm on the phone, nor when I'm off. What is a girl to do when situations like this present themselves? So I read for 4 more hours, and here I am, tapping away to myself.

5:44am, probably best I hit the hay. 'Til the morn' folks.

Your friendly wannabe housewife.